One of the tragedies of the modern world is the lack of meaningful friendships. What our society calls friendship is often shallow and superficial. The rise and growth of social media platforms exemplifies this. A person can have thousands of followers and friends yet barely know them. Likes, smiles, high five, and hugs on social media differ in person and with people you know. In our social interactions, we are content with the obligatory ‘hi” and the pretentious smiles at work, school or church meetings. Still, in reality, we don’t regularly know the people we are found with, and they, too, do not know us.
Part of the problem is that there is a general lack of understanding of what friendship is, let alone Christian friendship. The best definition of friendship I have come across is “Friendship is an intimate relationship of love, trust and loyalty.” Christian friendship is founded on the cornerstone of biblical love. I observe that many people do not know how to make friends. I have had numerous conversations with people, young and old, who assume friendships just happen as opposed to one working hard and pursuing friendships. So, here are some practical suggestions for making friends.
1. Get off your phone and remove your headsets
Gadgets and social media have significantly impacted our social and relational development as a people. There seems to be an increasing number of people who are relationally and socially awkward. This Is partly because we are all hooked to our screens, sucked into the virtual world and shut ourselves away from the world and people around us by plugging our ears with headsets. Get off your phone, remove headsets, and engage and interact with the people around you. If only we spent as much time engaging with actual and physical people around us as we do with the “people” on screens, maybe, just maybe, we might begin to make friends.
2. Talk to people
You really can’t make friends without talking to people. Be interested and curious about the people God brings into your life. Do not relate to them based on your assumptions and caricatures. Ask questions and listen, and you will be surprised by how wrong we often are with our stereotyping and assumptions. By the way, talking to people does not mean talking about yourself the entire time; you definitely won’t get to know others by talking about yourself. In your talking, be honest, direct, considerate or sensitive.
3. Be intentional and patient
Making friends is not mystical or something spontaneous that happens, and you are all surprised that you are friends. Be intentional about communicating desires. Tell the person(s) you are pursuing them or want to build a friendship with. Be intentional about having them over or visiting them. Be intentional about texting, calling and doing things with them. Invite them for activities or events. Then, exercise patience. Remember, you are trying to demonstrate Christ’s love to them. Be intentional for the long haul. Some people require extra work, others are frozen cold, yet others are suspicious. So be deliberate and have lots of patience.
4. Don’t be entitled or self-centred
In a world that thrives on making connections to advance and progress. Looking for opportunities and open doors makes using people for your advancement easy. Or go through life assuming people owe you things. That is one sure way of killing friendships. One classic example of this in our culture is how people treat event committees and invites. It’s not about the relationship but what they will get from it. If your primary motivation for friendship is because it will push you and benefit you, then you have issues with entitlement and self-centeredness (Phil 2:1-5).
5. Get over yourself
Relating with people comes with challenges. People come in all shapes and sizes and from diverse backgrounds with all manner of personalities and mannerisms. Add a varying degree of social, mental, emotional and spiritual maturity, and you have a wonderful spicy recipe! In making friends, it is, therefore, imperative that you learn to get over yourself. You are not the standard for the human race. Stop making yourself and your feelings the barometer for everyone else. Get over your self-importance. Do not be petty. The biblical principle is tolerance and bearing with one another (Eph 4:1-7). Another implication of getting over yourself is that you can’t always be talking about yourself and being the hero of your own stories.
6. Have honest and open conversations
One of the challenges to thriving friendship is superficial, shallow and guarded conversations. After a while, they get exhausted. We should learn to ask fundamental questions, wrestle with difficult conversations, and not be scared to share our joys and sorrows. Now, we need to be careful not to project and impute motives. Just because you are struggling or having problems does not mean everyone else has the same issues. And just because you are sad or discouraged doesn’t mean the happy and encouraged people have not been open and honest. Further, honesty and openness are not equal to being mean, rude and insensitive. Lastly, honesty and transparency must go both ways. It’s not a one-way street.
7. Take a chill pill- Do not be overly sensitive
The Gen Zs will love this one. Whenever someone gets excessively sensitive to issues, they often say, “Stop catching feelings and take a chill pill.” I take that to mean relax, do not overreact to everything and take everything personally. Have a sense of humour. Learn to laugh at yourself. Overly sensitive people read too much between the lines and see monsters where they do not exist. They raise the fire alarm when you light a match stick. To grow friendships, we must learn to dwell with one another with understanding, and love must cover a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8). We must also handle the faults of others with grace and gentleness.
8. Relate and do life with people
Ultimately, friendship is about doing life together. That means intentionally finding time to get to people and their families. It means sharing and bearing each other’s burdens. It means hosting each other in homes. It means being available and making an effort. All this is done not because of what you can get from the individual but because you are mutually helping each other grow in Christlikeness. Friendships pursued with hidden agendas never grow. Relate with people without strings attached. Do not use people or make them projects.
Go make friends!
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