When a couple is on the verge of a wedding, a lot of preparation goes into the big day. Top on the list is the various forms of formal and informal counselling. People are generous with their counsel, whether solicited or not. In many ways, it is a blessing to be loaded with counsel from other people's experience. That said, some of the counsel that is given is shallow and outright unbiblical but sadly popular. Here are five pieces of advice a bride and groom are most likely to hear that should not be entertained.
1. The man's unfaithfulness does not break the marriage.
This is, in fact, a proverb in one of our local languages "Ubuchende bwamwaume tabutoba ng' anda
". Young women are, in essence, taught to expect their husbands to be unfaithful. This starts off the marriage on high levels of mistrust. 'A man is a man' some would say. This thinking is straight from the pit of hell. The marriage bed must be undefiled and kept holy. It speaks to the moral decay of society when unfaithfulness is not only expected but also encouraged.
2. The wife keeps a marriage.
In our culture, the woman is blamed for a failed marriage and a broken home. This kind of thinking begun in Genesis 3 when Satan usurped the man's responsibility in the marriage. By approaching Eve, Satan was making a subtle but deadly move to ignore Adam, the husband. Thankfully, God calls out Adam and squarely places the responsibility where it lies, in the man. Headship is equal to responsibility. A failed marriage and a broken home is a reflection on the man's leadership.
3. People can steal your spouse.
This is often a warning to young women to be wary of female siblings, friends, house helps and her husband's female workmates because they can snatch or steal your spouse. The problem with such a line of thinking is that it strips the man of any form of responsibility. It portrays him as an innocent person who for some strange reason, is powerless to the aura of anyone in a skirt! A grown man cannot be stolen unless of course he is kidnapped at gunpoint! A man or woman who falls into a sexual affair does so willingly[1].
4. A marriage cannot succeed without traditional counselling.
This is a hot issue in most churches and among Christians. The general thinking is that a marriage cannot work or succeed without the couple undergoing traditional counselling. It is, therefore, sadly common to find Christian parents find non-believers to teach and prepare their children for marriage. In a way, that is a Christian parent saying to the world; I am not equipped to prepare my child for marriage. However, dear Christian parent, marriage is God's idea, and He has laid it out in His word for us. The scriptures are sufficient.
5. Oneness only refers to sex.
Our traditional counselling can be explicitly sexual. Besides, the common reason for marrying seems to be sexual satisfaction. Therefore, the understanding of oneness seems to be primarily physical while emotional, spiritual and mental oneness is not encouraged. Now while it is true that sexual union in marriage is a blessing oneness is broader than just physical union. An overemphasis of the physical union to the neglect of the other aspects leads to frustration and joylessly going through the motions of the marriage relationship.
Conclusion
I am convinced that these and many other popular but unbiblical counsels of marriage have contributed to a very negative view of this most wonderful of unions. Marriage requires work and effort, but it is not meant to be a chore. It should be built on the truth of God's word if it is to be a blessing to those who enter into it lawfully and willingly.
[1] This, of course, excludes rape and defilement victims.
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